Dating Potential of the Closed Files

Every third Thursday at 8:30, Vicky and I share a bottle of Kinzmarauli and our unfailing disappointment with the Charlotte dating pool. Vicky, a beautiful skinny shiny wedding photographer has never been married and enjoys a sanguine view on the recently divorced. To her, my growing collection of closed files is a land of walks on the beach, rainbows and Tiffany rings, all turned into stone by a misguided witch. Every Thursday, by 9:15, Vicky tries to convert me.

“Your clients,” she starts again, “are rich and beautiful?”

“I have some of each.”

“Instead of destroying the sacred institution and bringing loneliness and despair into the world, you could…”

“Arrange that you have a date this weekend?”

“And didn’t you say that you divorced a handsome, kind and brilliant doctor called Kevin?”

“I divorced a doctor called Kevin.”

If you date a recently divorced guy between 35 and 45, you must not mind that 1. all his money goes to the ex-wife, while you have to eat in. You might have to occasionally buy the groceries; 2. the only time he stops talking about his ex is when he is on the phone screaming at her, on the phone screaming at his divorce lawyer, or when you are having sex; 3. he is either scoping every girl around or having sex with every girl around (Vicky says, it’s not a problem, she can share and I make a note to buy glass tags). I am told that all these problems go away after several years, but only if you do not notice them. Although, one might wonder if striving to not notice one’s date for several years is habit forming? Nah.

Copyright (c) 2009 Aylward

INNOCENT SPOUSE RELIEF--just because you presumed to wear white at your wedding does not mean you qualify

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy, whose day job involves tax law (Baron's gotta eat) shared his wisdom on the intricacies of the Innocent Spouse Relief Act:

"being an attractive woman is a handicap here. You may have hoodwinked some local judge, but the Service can be very hard nosed. Moreover, your auditor knows that the more issues, questions and adjustments he finds, the more time you'll be forced to spend in his presence, thereby increasing the duration of his fantasy life in a liner manner (in some cases exponential). Prior post on courtroom attire apply doubly here! On the other hand, if you're tired of fighting through your life and interested in living it, IRS agents make excellent second husbands. They have a steady job with reasonable hours and good vacation and benefits, and beneath that nerdy exterior they're often genuinely nice people (good father material). Just ask Maggie Gyllenhal's character in "Stranger than Fiction.""

ALIENATION OF AFFECTIONS -- Tax on the rich?

A good friend of mine (not a lawyer, but a naturally gifted cross-examining talent) reports saying this to his wife:

-- Honey, are you cheating on me?

-- Of course not, darling!

-- You seeing somebody else?

-- No, darling!

-- You having sex with anybody else?

-- Yes, dear.

Spouses cheat on each other. I know you do not want to hear this. I do not really want to have to say it to you. But it is best you hear it from me, not from some ass who gives no care for your well-being, right?

Most married people will develop an interest in somebody other than their spouse. Apparently, the French do it with dignity and to the advantage of their husbands. This may just be a rumor fueled by too much Balzac. I do not know. Here in America, your spouse will always manage to choose the most unacceptable, embarrassing and annoying liaison.

Your wife will cheat on you with your best friend, with her best friend, with her high school sweetheart, with your high school sweetheart, with her secretary (male, if you are lucky). She will do that with no provocation or reason. If you so much as forget her birthday, though, she will get really upset and sleep with your gardener, general contractor, beekeeper … and the dentist.

Assuming you are not the sharing sort, what do you do? First, you must change dentists. With that settled, you have several options. Infidelity is a complete bar to receiving alimony in North Carolina. You might quickly sue for divorce, invest the savings in a late model Lamborghini, and seek the next love of your life. Assuming you love your wife, however, your options become limited. You will likely consider one or more of the following: filing a complaint with the North Carolina State Board of Dental Examiners, challenging a duel, trying to schedule a couple’s counseling session with your wife, or turning for help to De Beers. Those are all very good options, but the State of North Carolina presents you with one truly unique opportunity.

This sort of feels like a combination of the Board complaint, the duel and the counseling session. Whether De Beers figures into this, I am not quite certain.
As they say in the entertainment industry, put your hands together for – wait for it -- a tort action known as "alienation of affections." Copyright (c) 2009 Aylward

To be continued

Courtroom Behavior: Five tips for Men

Five tips on courtroom decorum -- for men.

1. Wear socks. For the girls, sartorial faux pas may have the benefit of a shock value. Dress your female client loudly enough and everybody in the courtroom might just forget what the hearing was all about. The judge will be telling his clerk: “Mary, can you believe the skirt on Mrs. What’s-her-name when she was testifying about what-was-that- about?!” Men enjoy no such powers. If you do not wear socks, everybody in the courtroom will remember you as “that cheating SOB who does not even wear socks.”

2. The judge is not flirting with you. Neither is the opposing counsel. Neither is your own counsel. You are just a job. I promise.

3. In North Carolina, the assets are divided according to their value on the date of separation. If your estranged wife arrives at your doorstep in the middles of the night dressed in nothing but high heels and a raincoat, it is possible that she finally saw you for the splendid man you are – the realization that escaped her in the prior ten years. It is also possible, however, that she has somehow learned of that large asset you purchased since you separated, and her primary motive is less -ehm - pure and simple than it seems.

4. You are classified as the “supporting spouse” because you supported your spouse. Before you got married, during the marriage, and after you separated. The louder you protest that you gave her luxury, that she has cultivated her helplessness and has done nothing but take manicures and the yoga classes, -- the longer you will be eligible to pay for those same manicures and yoga classes. This may sound unfair to you, but such is North Carolina alimony law. Take what you will from this.

5. Your hair is fine.

If you do not believe your hair is fine, consider reviewing this.

Courtroom Behaviour: Five tips for Women.

Five tips of courtroom decorum – for women.
1. Divorce court is dull. Terrifying, yes. Tragic, yes. Devastating, yes. But also – unexpectedly and unavoidably dull.
Ladies, this is important! No matter how much the judge and the lawyers bore you, no matter how long your husband's accountants drone on, how incomprehensibly mind-numbing the direct of financial advisers, real estate experts and private investigators, you must – I repeat – must! refrain from treating a working courtroom like your dentist’s waiting room. Absolutely no: nail polishing, text messaging, hair brushing, blogging, facebooking, or organizing receipts in your pocket book. No flirting with male paralegals. No reading. There will be a copy of the Holy Bible on your desk. Ladies, the Bible is there for one purpose only – and it is not your reading pleasure. This is your first tip. Sit still.

2. This is counter-intuitive. Judge does not need your help in discerning the truth. At least he does not know he does.
Most divorce proceedings in North Carolina are bench trials. This means that the judges do all the fact-finding. Some of the judges have been fact-finding for decades, and have grown quite comfortable with the task. I realize that a woman’s heart knows when her husband lies on the stand. It is only natural to want to be helpful, so the judge catches on as well.
You mustn’t. I promise you – Justice either catches on, or it does not. But here are some of the things I ask you not to do. Shake head. Groan. Roll eyes. Point. Point, shake head, roll eyes. Wave arms. Scribble furiously while shaking head. This will be harder than you realize, but you must. This is hard to believe, but as much as a loud yawn in the courtroom can land you a prison sentence. Judges really-realy prefer their courtrooms free of distractions. This is your second tip. Sit still.

3. Courts are secure government buildings. This means that security surveillance is working in most of the rooms. Live camera feeds are available to the court security. And to the Court staff. And to the Court, if it wants to. So this is your tip number three – I think you are catching on – do not fidget when you are out of your designated courtroom either. You never know who might see you.

4. Speaking of security. Those ridiculously small rooms flanking the courtrooms are for talking to your counsel. That is why they have two chairs and a table. These rooms are not there because your ex-husband looks particularly good in his new blue shirt. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Girls lost millions to these little rooms. Seriously, ladies. Just stay in that courtroom.

5. This is a hard one. Tips one through four require nothing but good posture. That’s all there is to following one through four. This one calls upon your good judgment.
Perfect Red Lipstick, Hollywood hills, bra strips, push-up bras, black stocking, short skirts, lace, ribbons, bright nails. These are all very good props, although they are best for the start of the marriage. Divorce court is technically not the place or time to bring out the magic. Most lawyers will unequivocally tell their clients not to use any of the props, and simply come in dressed as slightly duller clones of their lawyers. This is good, solid advice, and I give it to most of my lady clients. Think of it this way. Ask yourself whether you want the judge to remember you by the prop. Do you want to be remembered as the triple-D lady? Big hair lady? Classic red lip lady? That is not an esthetic decision -- that is a strategic decision. When making your choice, first consider your options and costs. Big hair lady? If you otherwise would remain “the one who stole all the cash and ran off with the dentist” then maybe. Big Hair might be a better option. It is a strategic decision, girls. But if you go for the big hair card, it better be So Big that nobody will remember the dentist.
If in doubt, dress like your lawyer does.

50 ways to dump your loved one

Zagat has spoken on love and break-up. We now know the proper restaurants in which to "dump" our significant others. Apparently, the advantages to seek out include (a) the number of exits to assure rapid egress and (b) the looks of the regulars and the staff (we think for the benefit of the dump-ee who will need all the distractions (s)he can manage.)
Natually, all approved grounds are located in New York and LA. Always a fan of the small and the esoteric, Charlotte Divorce Lawyer Blog seeks nominations of a perfect local restaurant to say "I don't" to a loved one.

Divorce Attorneys -- When should You Get One?

It is a popular belief among couples on the brink of divorce that the very act of engaging an attorney increases acrimony and hatred. That is a logical fallacy. First of all, acrimony and hatred is only created when your spouse becomes aware that the counsel has been retained. Banging the door to punctuate your yelp “You will hear from my lawyer” is a tactic quite different from that of tacitly stopping by the office of your friendly divorce attorney, while your spouse believes that you are occupied by a game of bridge at the club. Second, and even more importantly, there are many instances in which receiving consultation about the state of the law will help you learn that the offer your spouse just made is as good as it gets. Surrender your position rapidly and gracefully. Avoid the fight, restore peace and encourage your spouse to believe you are a sweetheart, if not a pushover. Just hope your spouse does not seek legal counsel, and discover that he is not getting quite the good deal he thinks.

Marital Economy

My phone rang unusually early.
A deep, calm, confident voice inquired:

"Is now a good time to divorce my wife?"
"It is seven o'clock on Saturday. Best time to stay married," I opined.
The man chuckled, but pressed on eagerly.
"The economy. You know I mean the economy. Don’t you read the papers!"
"The bloody Academy again," I thought.

This "recession / divorce" buzz is nothing new. In 2008, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers released a survey revealing that American citizens could no longer afford the luxury of divorcing each other.

The 2008 Academy survey confirmed what intuitively made good economic sense: a time of unemployment, salary cuts and price increases is not at all conducive to splurging on a brand new second household, complete with children's beds, second set of puppies, dishes and linens and toys. There are also expenses for soon-to-be-ex-wife's re-adjustment to re-enter work, and soon-to-be-ex-husband's newly discovered costs of cleaning, laundry, supervising help, and babysitters. The analysis was simple and solid.

Not leaving good enough alone, the Academy re-surveyed. The Academy's Spring 2009 survey uncovered a new and quite different trend.

On March 31, 2009, the bomb exploded. High-end divorces are on the rise, child support modification suits are abundant, and men -- rich and poor -- are back in court trying to modify down the generous spousal support which—they claim-- they can no longer afford to honor. The survey sent the country buzzing about the "good time to divorce."

On June 15, the National Law Journal weighed in, declaring: "Recession Keeps Family Lawyers Busy." Divorce lawyers of America told the reporters that they were "jammed" and that the time was now, and that "you should settle today because tomorrow it may be worth half." The Americans whose "ten things to do before I die" list included ”Divorce My Spouse” cheered up and went divorce lawyer shopping.

The optimistic readership of the National apparently included my new friend -- the man who rang at seven in the morning to inquire about a fiscally responsible way of giving the heave-ho to his wife. The newspapers told him that, since his assets were valued low, his pensions and stocks had plummeted, and his real estate was falling, now was the opportune time for romantic disentanglement.

"So is now a good time or not?" He wanted an answer, and he wanted it to be monosyllabic.

But it’s not as simple as he wanted it to be. In truth, the fiscal ramifications of a divorce depend on a multitude of tangled factors, most of which have no direct relationship with the economy. First, the "best time" for him and the best time for her is almost never the same time, so there can not be such a thing as "a universally good time to be divorced." When the economy devalues marital assets, and your client asks if buying out his spouse is a good idea, the only proper answer is: "it depends."

It depends on the man's current cashflow, on whether the presently devalued asset will ever spring back. It also depends on the opportunity costs of not investing the cash elsewhere; in the case of real estate, it may depend on the cost of providing alternative accommodations for the wife and kids, and on the emotional issues which often surround real estate transactions. All of these are more or less the same issues as the client was facing in the good economy. Then again, there is alimony and child support. In a bad economy the standard of living might go down, and with it the support amount. On the other hand, will paying even the lower amount destroy the now precarious balance of the soon-to-be-ex-husband's recession-weakened business? What if he were to wait to divorce until the wife bites the bullet and gets employment? Even a part-time job might give family court the courage to admit that the woman can fend for herself economically.

"Yes or no?!" the man was no longer calm.
He was quite aggressively insistent. (Perhaps a characteristic that contributed to the apparently delicate state of his marriage?)
"You should stay married," I admitted. "Well, stay married at least until Monday. Have your financial advisor send me your latest statements. I will tell you on Wednesday whether the world economy is ready for your divorce."

The financial goal in divorce is quite simple: to come out better off as compared to one's pre-divorce position. Divorce economics is more about redistributing the family's personal credit card debt than about the surging US national debt. Personal cash flow will matter substantially more than the ups and downs of gas prices. The client's career prospects are much more relevant than the national unemployment average. A skilled divorce attorney will consider the client's personal debt, personal cash flow, career prospects, level of inter-spouse enmity, health issues, presence of extramarital affairs, and the habitual dispositions of the assigned judge.

How about the economy? Not a big deal in The Divorce Game. Don’t worry about it. Really.