Dating Potential of the Closed Files

Every third Thursday at 8:30, Vicky and I share a bottle of Kinzmarauli and our unfailing disappointment with the Charlotte dating pool. Vicky, a beautiful skinny shiny wedding photographer has never been married and enjoys a sanguine view on the recently divorced. To her, my growing collection of closed files is a land of walks on the beach, rainbows and Tiffany rings, all turned into stone by a misguided witch. Every Thursday, by 9:15, Vicky tries to convert me.

“Your clients,” she starts again, “are rich and beautiful?”

“I have some of each.”

“Instead of destroying the sacred institution and bringing loneliness and despair into the world, you could…”

“Arrange that you have a date this weekend?”

“And didn’t you say that you divorced a handsome, kind and brilliant doctor called Kevin?”

“I divorced a doctor called Kevin.”

If you date a recently divorced guy between 35 and 45, you must not mind that 1. all his money goes to the ex-wife, while you have to eat in. You might have to occasionally buy the groceries; 2. the only time he stops talking about his ex is when he is on the phone screaming at her, on the phone screaming at his divorce lawyer, or when you are having sex; 3. he is either scoping every girl around or having sex with every girl around (Vicky says, it’s not a problem, she can share and I make a note to buy glass tags). I am told that all these problems go away after several years, but only if you do not notice them. Although, one might wonder if striving to not notice one’s date for several years is habit forming? Nah.

Copyright (c) 2009 Aylward

ALIENATION OF AFFECTIONS -- Tax on the rich?

A good friend of mine (not a lawyer, but a naturally gifted cross-examining talent) reports saying this to his wife:

-- Honey, are you cheating on me?

-- Of course not, darling!

-- You seeing somebody else?

-- No, darling!

-- You having sex with anybody else?

-- Yes, dear.

Spouses cheat on each other. I know you do not want to hear this. I do not really want to have to say it to you. But it is best you hear it from me, not from some ass who gives no care for your well-being, right?

Most married people will develop an interest in somebody other than their spouse. Apparently, the French do it with dignity and to the advantage of their husbands. This may just be a rumor fueled by too much Balzac. I do not know. Here in America, your spouse will always manage to choose the most unacceptable, embarrassing and annoying liaison.

Your wife will cheat on you with your best friend, with her best friend, with her high school sweetheart, with your high school sweetheart, with her secretary (male, if you are lucky). She will do that with no provocation or reason. If you so much as forget her birthday, though, she will get really upset and sleep with your gardener, general contractor, beekeeper … and the dentist.

Assuming you are not the sharing sort, what do you do? First, you must change dentists. With that settled, you have several options. Infidelity is a complete bar to receiving alimony in North Carolina. You might quickly sue for divorce, invest the savings in a late model Lamborghini, and seek the next love of your life. Assuming you love your wife, however, your options become limited. You will likely consider one or more of the following: filing a complaint with the North Carolina State Board of Dental Examiners, challenging a duel, trying to schedule a couple’s counseling session with your wife, or turning for help to De Beers. Those are all very good options, but the State of North Carolina presents you with one truly unique opportunity.

This sort of feels like a combination of the Board complaint, the duel and the counseling session. Whether De Beers figures into this, I am not quite certain.
As they say in the entertainment industry, put your hands together for – wait for it -- a tort action known as "alienation of affections." Copyright (c) 2009 Aylward

To be continued